Attempt at new ShUSH logo

Here is an attempt at a new ShUSH logo. Made using GIMP ( http://www.gimp.org/ ), a Free Software alternative to Photoshop, using a tutorial located at http://gimp-tutorials.net/node/91

So, here’s my aim. I’m working on a video project for the self-help co-operative ShUSH (Service User Self Help), which will involve a very interesting time for mental health services in Lincoln as a result of the cuts, and the fact we may have the opportunity of taking over the NHS building we have been running our group in for 5+ years. We have for the time being decided on the name of an involvement centre, as it is inclusive of any person that may want to walk through the doors, whilst allowing us to focus on things that will improve peoples health and well-being.

What we need to do is provide evidence that the work we do genuinely helps the community. We also need to put forward peoples voices on what they get out of the group, what people would like to see improved in the group, and where we might see ourselves in a years time.

I’m open to ideas, but at present I’m thinking of providing the video in a series of episodes at http://shush.blip.tv. Keeping with the co-operative/self-help model, it is also a personal objective of mine to create the entire project (or as much as possible) using free and open source software. For those who aren’t familiar with the term, it is basically a type of software that isn’t just free download and use, but is also free to take apart, learn from and improved. It is generally created by communities in peoples spare time, occasionally with companies providing money or development time to support the projects. The biggest example of free and open source software is Firefox, created at http://www.mozilla.org.

I feel that open source video editing software like OpenShot Video Editor and PiTiVi Video Editor has matured enough to create professional-quality video productions. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes.

An Obituary.

My heart is going out to a friend of mine, who hung herself some time last week, and also to her family. She was a real fighter, but sadly the battle against mental ill-health got too much. She was an inspiration to myself and others, and what adds more to the pain is she was getting much more involved with local work again after a long period in hospital. In all honesty, when I was thinking what I would write, I wanted to say loads. But now I am here, confronted with the emotion of it, all I am left with is this feeling that the world has lost one of the most determined and driven mental health activists out there. She had done a lot of work with the two projects I am now involved in, and I am eternally grateful for her suggesting I join them and the change of direction it has taken my life.

RIP, Toni.

Apologies all for lack of posts in a whi…

Apologies all for lack of posts in a while; it has been an incredibly busy time for myself and many other service-users/patient-activists/people-of-experience in the Lincoln area!!

It is looking very likely we will be working in partnership with the NHS in Lincolnshire and Lincolnshire County Council to continue providing our self-referral co-operative Service User Self Help (ShUSH) but for 7 days a week. We will also be part of a group that will increasingly take over the building as a multi-use involvement centre focused on improving people’s mental health. Of course at the moment I can’t trust statutory organisations as far as I can throw them, but the fact they seem so optimistic in keeping us in the building I guess says a lot about how things have changed in the area. It fits into the Tory Toff’s “Big Society”, too.

I am now part of a group that will document the outcome of this “co-production” onto video. Hopefully we will be able to say how positive the whole experience of taking control of our own services has been, but there’s nothing to say we won’t completely lay into them with a negative film if they decide to put barriers to us either. I would be hugely interested in putting the entire source footage online so people can see we’re being honest, and so people can put together their own versions of the film if they so wish as well.

I was extremely, extremely shocked by the rudeness and aggressiveness of some people today. My brother, a colleague and I were sitting in the Lincoln Drill Hall Cafe talking about plans for a film on Mental Health problems, whilst also delving into some funny ideas and the usual mindless bollocks we talk about.

This guy and his wife were leaving the table next to us. As he left he came up to me and said, very passive-aggressively, “I hope you are proud of the fact you ruined our lunch” and walked off. I was left utterly speechless.

What, exactly, was it I said that was so ruining to their lunch? Was it the fact we were talking about mental health and mental illness in the open? Was it the fact we talked about attitudes to mental health in the 1950’s compared to now? We also talked about how some words are stigmatising in how they are used, as well as the problems with self-stigma. Or was it the fact I was talking about the fact that, when drugs were legalised in other countries, drug use actually went down and rehab rates went up? Or were we just speaking too loudly?

Although I was left feeling extremely upset for a while, what fascinated me was the whole group dynamic after this “man” suddenly left. Had I been on my own the event would probably ruined the rest of my day as I would just constantly be dwelling on it. However, with friends (and family) around me I guess I was able to test out those assumptions of whether I was bang out of order or not. Actually, we came to the conclusion he was the one more out of order, as he was not willing to debate what we had done wrong or why, he left us with that comment to do nothing but make us feel bad. Had he had asked us to keep a little quiet if that was the problem, or disliked something we said and asked us about it, then maybe we would have been left feeling apologetic and wanting to be a little more accommodating, as well as more understanding of his needs in comparison to our own.

As he left it, he came across as an extremely ignorant and discriminatory, that obviously feels that these issues shouldn’t be talked about in public. And if those are his views than he should think very carefully as that kind of attitude won’t get you very far nowadays. It is already illegal to discriminate against those with mental health problems (in theory) due to the Disability Discrimination Act. Believe it or not, those that have experience of mental health difficulties have lives and rights as well as any other person.

So, if he is out there and can actually use the internet, what exactly was the problem? Because right now you come across as an old fart that is discriminatory and doesn’t like freedom of speech.

Writing Therapy 01

As I cannot sleep, I thought it’d be helpful for me to attempt something in the vein of art therapy and creative therapies, and wander off into my own literary world. What have I got to lose?

I think first of all my main plan would be to get both of my websites properly running; Gazbook, which is my online presence, and gmwatts.co.uk, which is more like my professional presence. In theory. Or perhaps it might be better to use that domain name for personal reasons, e.g. as a vpn for my computer and things like that? Argh, decisions decisions!!

There are a lot of stupid little things in the past I regret. Like going to turn on the computer at the lady’s place who did our hair when I was 15 cause I thought we were classed as friends of the family, but then getting a little told off for doing that as I should have really asked first. Or at 17 trying to kiss twice a girl who very blatantly did not want to be kissed. Then there are more serious things, like I wish I hadn’t pushed a friend out of my like that used to go to the Grammar School in Afford when I came out with the self harming thing. As a matter of fact, I wish I’d not told that teacher at school when I was 16 that I was actively suicidal, as that changed just about everything on my life. Not all of it for the better.

Why hadn’t I stuck with my original plan and gone to acting school after I did A-Levels?…  Well, as a matter of fact, I believe I already have the answer to that. Being at Monks Dyke school (or Technology College, as it prefers to be called) depressed the hell out of me. When I attended the open day when I turned 16, it seemed an actor’s paradise. It had It’s own theatre space which was already set up for blue-screen work for the media department. It had a pro media suite, dancing studio and even a music studio. But when I got there it didn’t turn out at all as I thought. Not even some of the teachers really were bothered what we did, but quite a few of the students there were not particularly bothered which direction their life was going either.  After the hellpit stress factory that was Queen Elizabeth’s Grammar School, Alford, where our year was constantly praised as the best year group they had, in South I became a member of what was literally described by the head of sixth form after one disastrous event as the worst year group they had ever had.

By the end of my first year, I spent most of my lessons skiving alone wandering the infamous Hubbard’s Hill, begging to be loved and shown the answers to my life. As work load increased and frustrations by teachers with my lack of activity increased too, I went to bed every night begging to God or whoever that I would never wake up in the morning.

To be fair though, some of the actions of teachers were bang out of order. Like the one who seemed to mother me as an alternative to her son who also had some kind of mental health problems. Her last words to me were something along the lines that I was making it up so I would get whatever diagnosis I was looking for and sympathy; that in effect I was attention seeking. That she was actually not professionally qualified to make such ac assumption comes back to me nowadays as enough grounds for complaint.

In addition there was the other teacher who rung my Mum up to say I was a compulsive liar and hadn’t done any of my final coursework. Firstly, being 18 surely data protection would definitely kick in by then? And secondly, again no attempt was made to consider my wellbeing.  Some of the teachers knew of my mental health issues, and they should have seeked advice on the best course of action or signposted me to CAMHS, rather than assuming it is out of neglect on my part and blaming me for it.

Speaking of CAMHS, they should have worked much more closely with the school and informed them that I may need additional support. It is thanks to a lot of the support I have had at uni and from Disability Living Allowance that I have been able to cope with my bipolar now.

That seems enough of a rant for today. However, I must make a mental note to ask Daryl and see if there is an opportunity to get back in touch with the schools I’d been to I’m order to provide feedback on what can be done to improve things for pupils showing signs of mental distress.

On the train, choo choo

Well I’m on the train, and while I had planned to sleep most of the journey sadly there are too many people on the train to have my own aisle, and the guy next to me is too selfish to just use his own bedroom. He is using mine as well!!

So really this is just a random rant to pass the time while the train goes along.

But what is there to talk about? Well it seems a nice day, the sun is out at least. I just feel like the plans for the next few days have been a bit rushed, which is mostly my fault. I hate it when I have little control over events. Let alone control over my environment, like on the train!

gazbook logo; new and improved part 1

I have been playing round with some tutorials in Photoshop. I know you may think I am betraying my Open Source principles, but don’t worry. It is simply to learn how to do something for a piece of software that is heavily documented, so I can learn to do the same thing in GIMP.

I’m basically trying to improve the logo for my new blog and identi.ca, my “IP” if you will. Albeit a very open licensed one. I’d like to know what you think.

Why the NHS is important to me (posted on 38degrees.co.uk)

As a sufferer of the disability bipolar disorder, if it wasn’t for the NHS I would be raking up fees in doctors expenses and prescriptions as I would not be covered for a pre-existing condition with health insurance. What’s more, I wouldn’t be able to work without the support of the NHS, so I wouldn’t be able to earn enough to afford the health fees and would therefore be of no use to society whatsoever.

Although there are issues of participation and annoyances with huge office spaces with hundreds of admin staff when it’s difficult to see any sort of health professional, I firmly believe we have the best health service in the world. Now is not the time to start breaking it up because of it’s few problems; instead we should be proud of it’s achievements and build on the strengths of the NHS.

This story was posted to http://labs.38degrees.org.uk/wall/nhs to help stand up for the NHS, before the government breaks it beyond repair.

Oh Harp

Oh harp of downfall, harp of light,
Keep me free from fear and fright.
Shadows cast on these dear walls,
Of creatures beating through the night.